I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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