i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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