Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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