I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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