The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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