Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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