I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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