yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
