"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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