Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
