Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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