It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
