I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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