When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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