I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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