what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just googled if crying burns calories
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
