I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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