if you like me you must not know who I am
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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