look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
