Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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