I only kidnapped one of them. chill
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
