My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
