i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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