she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
