Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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