I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
