There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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