I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I touched a dick in church today
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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