he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
