What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
