Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
