Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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