So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
