I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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