i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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