drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
