I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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