my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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