I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Is Oprah even human
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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