My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
