White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The ass gains better be worth it
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