At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
