He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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