areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
