oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
