Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
