We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
