My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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