Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
