it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
