two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
