Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
