Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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