a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
