I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i think my cat just said my name.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize