do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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